The musings of a migrained-mind

A friend of mine pointed out that I have been a bit sparse on the words lately... lots of pictures but not so many words. And she's right. So I shall try to rectify that and since I am certain you all don't have time to read the NOVEL edition I will ATTEMPT to shorten it by using point form... and I'll ad in some pictures of my delightful children to keep you all entertained :)

1. I am consumed with Aiden. How do I help him? What would help him most? How do I keep my younger two children from mimicking his undesirable behaviours? How do I accurately gauge the state of a 7 year old boys' mind? Why does he do some of the things he does? Why is he so completely consumed with fighting/angry games? How do I make sure he understands that it is not HIM but his behaviours that frustrate us? I have dozens of questions and I have done massive amounts of research and found a zillion different suggestions as to what to do but I find I am so exhausted just keeping us all going I have very little left-over energy for trying all the new things. Which then, of course, makes me feel insanely guilty. Pathetic but true.

2. I am so happy spring is finally arriving here. I love love love the sunshine and the green grass and the beginnings of leaves on the trees. Beautiful.

3. Olivia is extremely high-needs right now and I'm just not sure why. It has gotten progressively worse since we moved here 3 months ago and I'm not sure if it is still a reaction to moving or if it is just a two-year old thing. And I'm still trying to figure out how to discipline her without completely breaking her little heart. As soon as I even say NO firmly she bursts into sobs and starts saying "sorry mommy" over and over again. Girls are REALLY different than boys.

4. I am very pleased with the boys' reading progress. I'm so proud of how far they have come in such a short time.

5. My migraines just aren't going away... and in fact they seem to be getting progressively worse and I just don't know what to do. I managed to get an appointment with the local nurse practitioner in about 2 weeks and I am hoping she can help me figure out what is going on.

6. I have completely slacked off in the spiritual teaching realm lately. I am certain my boys know FAR more about Star Wars and Indiana Jones than they do about Jesus and that is just sad. And all my fault. Which makes it even sadder.

7. I watched the season premiere of Jon & Kate plus eight and it just made me feel sad for them. And yes, I know most people can't stand Kate but honestly? If I had 8 kids all younger than my oldest I would be an absolute raving lunatic so I have compassion for the poor woman. And no matter how much help she gets it would still be an awful lot to handle mentally and emotionally. ANYWAY she mentioned that parents of multiples have a much higher divorce rate and I learned that the same is true of parents with special-needs kids.

WHY? Each parent gets so tied up in their kid (or kids) and in how to parent and how to help them and how to keep sane and they forget to realize that dads deal VERY differently with things than moms. That is not bad, it is just different. And if you aren't careful you start to think THEIR way is WRONG. Lots of men process stuff quietly and don't necessarily show how they are processing stuff so the woman assumes he is just NOT dealing with it. Or he is ignoring her or the kids or the needs or the issues or whatever. And women, since many of us process stuff out loud, make the husbands feel like we never quite complaining. They hear our stress and WANT to help but have no idea HOW to help and that makes them feel helpless. And it all gets messed up.

BUT I am so very thankful because I feel like Doug and I have grown increasingly closer through all this Aiden stuff. It is God's doing I am certain and for that I am grateful because I certainly could NOT handle this on my own. And our challenges are minor compared to what other parents have to go through.

8. I mentioned before that our landlord is trying to sell the house we are renting and people looked at it (twice) this past weekend.... we have heard nothing so I can only hope it is going nowhere but it has made me feel unsettled in this house now and I hate that feeling.

9. I am feeling some anger at God lately. Not logically... logically I know better... but emotionally. Why doesn't He help Aiden more? Why does He allow Aiden's asthma to get SO bad SO often? Why does it seem He says NO to my prayers so often?

And yes, I DO know it is all very selfish sounding and terribly theologically incorrect... but no one has EVER accused me of being too logical and unemotional about stuff.

My friend Becky talked on her blog about having some trust issues with God and I can totally relate right now. Logical? No. But there nonetheless.

10. We are having a birthday party bar-b-que for Doug tonight and it will be fun. I have a lot of prep-work to do today (read CLEANING) but I am certain I will enjoy the evening.

And I think that mostly covers the surface areas of my thoughts these days :)


Amanda Daybyday said…
You just posted this...feel like I'm stalking you? I miss you. I wish I could come for Doug's party. Don't feel guilty cuz you're doing your best. I get the angry thing and appreciate your honesty. I love you Tara, you're an incredibly special person and I do feel honored to call you friend.
You've got a lot going on right now - and a lot to worry about what with the migraines, and Aidan's issues and the whole house thing... I hope everything works out and thanks for sharing the update. And I hope the birthday BBQ bash is a blast! :)
Margaret said…
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Tara. It is always so good to hear your point of view. You are a wonderful, compassionate, loving person.

Happy Birthday to Doug.
I do hope your migraines subside.
With livia, maybe it is just the age. Chloe was two in January and is extremely high needs right now. She constantly requires correcting and discipline and though I try to be consistant, at times my patience wears thin. Mommies of two year olds (and seven year olds and any other age for that matter) sure need prayer!
Becky said…
Hey seem to think there are answers and solutions out there somewhere. Remember there aren't its just life...hard life...and it will unfold into whatever it does no matter what we do. Don't be so hard on yourself, I wish I could give you a hug with this nonsense called life. Your a good Mom who can say sorry when you mess up so your kids will be fine. We all are messed up!! I love that you told us all those thoughts thanks. Apparently I am writing a book...miss you.

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