Here we go

I have been feeling rather reluctant to post what is going on in my head these days. It seems that every time I post from my heart I get in trouble.

But I decided to do it anyway.

Perhaps if I do it in little snatches between lovely pictures I will get in less trouble.

I am depressed over our financial situation. We had no money to buy milk this week. Or other certain necessities. But my mom stepped in and has bought us milk . We get paid tomorrow. This is a really good thing.

I was feeling rather frustrated about this. At God mostly. We are REALLY trying to be good with our money. And we have been REALLY trying for a REALLY long time now. And it isn't getting any easier. That makes me sad.

But I DO feel somewhat optimistic about it. I think that if we can just keep going it will eventually get better. It will.

My sweet friends Becky and Cecile gave me heck for not asking them for money to buy milk. They were right. I should have just said something. Pride is bad. It just felt so stupid to have to ask for milk money. I mean really. My husband has a good job. We should not have a problem.

But we did. So I'm sorry Becky and Cecile for not just asking. Next time I will. Hopefully there will not be a next time.

I am rather worried about a family member who has been having some health difficulties. I don't think she would like me telling the blog world about it though so I won't tell you all who it is. I am praying for her and I would appreciate anyone else praying for her too. Even though you don't know who I am talking about.

It got pretty warm here a couple days ago and the snow actually started melting! For a brief moment I thought spring had arrived. But no. It is snowing today. Of course. I am feeling rather jealous of all you people out there with blooming flowers and GREEN things.

The melting did manage to make the carpet in our basement wet though. I sometimes wonder if there is mold and other gross stuff under the carpet but I refuse to look. We have no money to fix it so there is no point in knowing for sure.

I have had a pretty brutal headache for the past several days. Likely because of the changes in the weather. I am sick of headaches. I get at LEAST one per week. Usually more. Sometimes they just stay for days on end. Like this one. We are on day 4 now. And I can't do anything about it really until I am done breastfeeding.

And yes, I am still breastfeeding. I want to. For now. Olivia is wonderfully easy. She nurses to sleep and when she is upset about something. My sons both had night time bottles until they were 2 years old so I see no reason to deprive Olivia of that just because she hates bottles. Besides I definitely lean to the attachment parenting side of the spectrum and I should just be proud of that. I am reluctant to admit it sometimes because people have given me a rather hard time about it. But it is what is right for us right now so there. My friend Becky told me that it is ok to be who I am. Thanks Becky. You're right. And it's ok to be who YOU are too!

I am sick of watching what I eat just so I don't GAIN weight. I want to start LOSING weight. I am sick of having a thyroid disorder that just keeps getting worse. I am sick of depression that never seems to go away. I think it is super lame that my antidepressant increases my appetite and my thyroid slows down my metabolism. That is just plain obnoxious.

And have you ever tried to dance your way to a newer slimmer you while you are depressed and have a migraine? It isn't as fun as you might think.

My laundry pile is pretty brutal. We have had a lot of bed wetting from my sons the past couple weeks and so I have about 6 loads of JUST bedding to do. Never mind all the dirty clothes.

On the up side I won the Great Laundry Challenge over at Mommy Knows!

Now for that dear family member who should NOT be stressed out... please don't worry about me or about us. We really are ok. I promise. Just relax. We don't want to lose you!


Amanda said…
Well my dear. First of all, your children are so beautiful...I loved all the pictures.

Second of all, you do have some good friends there. It IS okay to be yourself and it is because you are yourself that some of us love you. Like me. Even with those extra pounds...which you'll get off eventually. When you're ready and it makes sense.

Third of all, it always makes me sad when I hear about my pastoral friends and family who have such a hard time making it on a pastor's salary. I don't think that should be so! But, I suppose that living on one income IS tough and until we moved up here, we couldn't do it either. It made more sense to pay the daycare...much to my chagrin.

Life is expensive. Try not to let guilt get to you (you sound like you feel guilty). Many of us struggle to make ends meet at one time or another. It's nothing to be embarrassed or guilty about.

My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.
the Doug said…
I love you.
Laura said…
Those are beautiful happy children Tara. You likely have a headache from stress. I've been in the bad money situation, I know it can make you feel pretty crazy. Having a blog is a good way to write down things like this. It makes you feel at least someone is listening and that does make you feel better. You are being heard and understood and I really do wish you well. Things always do seem to get better. It often seems we just have to be patient and not give up looking for solutions ourselves. I'm glad you posted about everything. I hope you feel a little better for it.
Ditto the above comments. My mom used to tell me that a pearl only comes about after a grain of sand irritates the oyster (I now know that is not entirely true, it's more likely to be a food particle that causes the oyster to create the beautiful gem-- but who wants to criticize food right now?). My answer was that I was perfectly happy just being the grain of sand. I think God gives you these challenges for you to grow and because it makes you a beautiful, sensitive person-- and the way the world seems to be heading, we need more you-s. And thanks for your comments earlier, I take a lot of care arranging my playlist according to my posts, so you made my day. I am grey (again), but no, I don't want to drop over for tea-- I want to BRING you tea and the books that have sat here mocking me. You see, I blew it when I wanted to add a box of tea-- now they don't fit in the envelope I had ready and since I am grey, this seems like one obstacle too many. sigh. sorry for the long comment.
Pictures were really nice, btw-- a great touch to a great post.
Jenn Phipps said…

You need to hang in there! The comments left on here already are so well said but I want you to know that you are not alone. God will get your family through this! One day at a time, He will provide ALL of your needs.

I have never done it but I have heard that Good Sense is a great curriculum to help families manage their finances.

Praying for you and your family members.
Amanda Franks said…
Sending some love your way!
Judy said…
Such cute kids!

Sorry about your headache.

Life is tough enough without having pain thrown into the mix.
Hi Tara in Canada,

I feel for you on the financial situation. And I appreciate your honesty in saying it's made you frustrated, even with God. I hope things get a lot better for you and your beautiful family soon.

I don't want to promote myself here, but if it would comfort you to know of another mom's struggle with a similar challenge, I wrote a post on my own frustration with feeling poor a while ago. You can find it here, if you're interested:

Your kids look really happy and healthy, and of course that's the most important thing (which I know you know!).
Janne said…
Just wanted you to know that I soooo understand so much of what you are saying. Sending cyberhugs and prayers your way.
kelle said…
Tara! Please know that I am praying for you and your little family! By they way, your children are absolutely beautiful.
Vader's Mom said…
You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Sending you lots of hugs.
BEST BEST BEST to you guys.

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