Mental turmoil

Well... I am starting to feel rather desperate to help my son cope with school and life in general. I am actually starting to consider homeschooling. I never thought I would say that. But I will do what it takes.

Here's the thing... I am TERRIFIED to homeschool. Truly terrified. I have had postpartum depression basically for the past 5 years. I struggle with keeping up to my household responsibilities as it is, never mind adding teaching to the mix.

And I have NO idea how to teach. I have absolutely NO clue how to teach a kid to read... or anything else for that matter. And I am not very creative when it comes to kid's stuff. I wish I was. But I am not.

And the depression seriously messes with me... the way I think of myself and my own abilities. I really doubt that I am even capable of homeschooling. And how do homeschool moms handle the knowledge that they are NEVER going to have a break? Ever?

I have been dreaming about the days when all of my kids will be in school and I will have time to do things like clean, organize, SLEEP, read a book, take a shower without my kids coming in every two minutes to ask me a question.

And honestly I feel sad at the thought of giving up that dream. I know that is selfish. But it has been a lifeline to me for the past 5 years. The knowledge that SOMEDAY I would have time to myself. Because I am an introvert at heart. I love quiet. I love to just wrap up in a cozy blanket, drink tea and read a book for hours at a time. I love being able to clean and have things STAY clean for a couple of hours. I am also a natural homebody. I truly LIKE being at home. I know that part of that is because of the depression but honestly I was pretty much a homebody before I had kids too.

The crazy thing is I LOVED school. I mean I REALLY adored school. I loved most things about it. I did well at school for the most part. I would have been absolutely devastated if my mom had taken me out of school. So part of me feels really guilty about taking away that joy from my son. But then again he doesn't love school the way I did.

I don't know. Homeschooling just seems plain HARD. And I am already so exhausted. I mean seriously... postpartum depression and thyroid issues don't exactly lend themselves to an excess of energy.

And what about Owen? Do I keep him in school since he seems to really enjoy it and isn't having any problems? What if he decides he doesn't want to go if Aiden doesn't go? That is what happened with Awana Kid's club at church. Aiden just couldn't handle it so we took him out. Owen loved it but refuses to go unless Aiden goes. So now Owen misses out on something he really loved because Aiden couldn't manage it. That doesn't seem fair.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I WILL do what my son needs. Even if it means homeschooling. I just hope I wouldn't screw him up more.


Peter en Linda said…
Why not ask God what to do?
Tara said…
don't worry, I have been and will continue to do so :)
Wow, Tara. I sure wish we lived on the same continent. I had such a big comment, I am going to email it instead. :-)
If you can, attend a Christian homeschool conference. It's a great way to get inspired, ask questions and hook up with others in similar situations.
Amanda said…
Awe Tara...I wonder if Aiden just needs a little bit more time? Maybe he's just not ready yet for public school. Dr. James Dobson is a strong proponent for keeping boys out of school until they're 7 or 8 years old...I think for some of the reasons you're experiencing with Aiden. Have you read "Bringing up Boys?" I found it gave me a lot of insight.

Homeschooling doesn't have to be all or nothing. Why not take it one year at a time?

Oh, I don't envy you. I've always said I would homeschool only as a last option (you know, if they couldn't handle an aspect of it or it was a bad school etc). And now, especially having my strong willed Willem who refuses to do learning stuff if he doesn't feel like it, I know it wouldn't work for me. But I don't blame you at all for considering it.

You'll be in my thoughts as you make this difficult decision.
Cindi said…
The pastor at my old church and his wife homeschool their kids. He has it worked out with the church that one day a week, he's home to teach. That way his wife gets a day off. If there's something pressing at church, he'll take the morning to teach, and then bring the kids to the church to hang out for the afternoon. It doesn't really interfere with his church life as they just schedule things around it. Just an idea that I know works really well for them.
Judy said…
Oh, Tara.

You have SO much on your plate.

There's a danager in looking at things that have worked wonderfully for others, thinking they will work for you. This can go either way, and isn't the same for every kid.

At times I homeschooled two of my children. One of them, never. He challenged my authority at every turn. I needed a break every day from feeling enept.

Whatever you do, do not feel guilty about making choices that are right for you.

Hang in there. They do grow up.

So far, no one has come knocking on my door with papers confirming that I truly screwed up as a mother, although I'm sure that in many areas, I did.

I'm praying for you.
el Maggie said…
Tara, as we've been going through this time at Ecclesiax with our pastor on leave, and the board dwindling, I have been learning about my limits. It's been hard to figure out how to balance and to realize that I can't pick up the slack in every single area. I think it's the same for you. I can't imagine that God would call you to burn out trying to be super-woman. Do your research into home-schooling, but consider whatever options there might be as well. You CAN'T do it all, and nobody should expect you to. (and by the way, you are obviously a loving a competent mother, so I don't think you're going to screw your kids up too bad . . .)
Katrina Stonoff said…
Wow, I'm dealing with the same tough decision. My six-year-old is struggling, and we're seriously considering homeschool, at least until the end of the year (next year, he'll go to a different school where we have a wonderful rapport with the principal).

Good luck.

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