Postpartum depression ramblings

Now as I have mentioned before I have been struggling through my third bout of postpartum depression. I am on medication this time and it has made a HUGE difference (I did my last bout drug-free and regret it now). But some days are definitely harder than others. Some days I feel fine and almost normal. Then other days I get up and the entire day is a struggle to drag myself up out of the pit.

Of course the medication I am on (Paxil for those interested in that sort of thing) makes the lows much easier to handle- I haven't wanted to hurt myself or my children or anyone else this time. Unless you have ever experienced it you can't know what a relief it is to not fear that you will hurt your kids.

And I do feel like God is helping me through this - just like He helped me after my last two kids considering that I DID want to hurt myself and my kids and I DIDN'T. That is a miracle people.

Before my first battle with postpartum depression I could never understand what could possibly make a parent want to hurt their child. Now I get it. When you are in the midst of postpartum depression you aren't thinking clearly. I personally think Satan uses these bouts of hormonal imbalance to really screw with people's minds. He whispers lies to them to make them believe all sorts of false things- like my kids hate me, they'd be better off without me, they are crying on purpose to drive me crazy, I don't love them or my husband... etc. etc. etc. Lies. All lies. But any woman who has ever experienced any sort of hormonal day knows that lies are pretty easy to believe when we are vulnerable.

Anyway, my point is that some days I just find it really hard to smile.

And my sons are especially sensitive. Owen today kept walking up to me and holding my hands or my face and smiling a really big smile at me until I would smile back. He needed to know I was ok and that I wasn't upset with him and still loved him. It reminded me that kids tend to blame themselves anytime anything is wrong in their world. He kept thinking I was down because he had done something wrong. Obviously that was not the case.

But really, how do you explain depression to a 3 year old?

And how do you carry on normally, playfully, happily, productively when you just feel like climbing back into bed?

I think even Olivia notices when I am not my best.

I love the sensitivity of children... most of the time. But sometimes I wish they could just be oblivious for awhile.

I also wish I was better at pulling myself up by the bootstraps so to speak.

But really, I can't even begin to tell you all how much better this third bout is compared to my first two. It is like I am a different person. I can talk to people. I can blog. I love my kids. I have great days. I am so glad I chose medication this time. It is worth gaining a few pounds to not be insane.


Just Me said…
Hey Tara....My heart goes out to you with the postpartum thing. Don't minimize it tho. You're body is not producing the chemical it needs - why? Who knows!! Pregnancy can take alot out of a woman! Look at how many women have loose teeth, or hair loose, skin changes etc. after pregnancies - so should we be surprised that there are hormonal and chemical imbalances. I mean, my gosh - you've just been creating a life for 9 months! YOu've been a baby factory - and everything in you, has been focused in providing a safe atmosphere for a brand new, living, breathing human being! Wow! So...I say all that to encourage you. You are doing the right thing, being on something. If your body stopped producing insulin, you wouldn't have a problem taking it would you - diabetics do it all the time. No one tells them, it's all in their head...or that they should be able to get along with out 'outside' help. Their body is not producing what is needed...and neither is yours. Be at peace...keep checking with you doctor to make sure you are on the right dosage - too many women try to make do with a 'one size fits alls' perscription. Also..ask him if any herbs or vitamins would react with the paxil - if he says no..get yourself to a health food store, or better yet a naturapath, and find out a good combination of vitamins to also help yourself bounce back emotionally. I'm seeing a doctor right now and a naturapath - and loving it. In the mean time...I'll be praying for you! You sound like an amazing young mom!
Judy said…
I had intended to live a drug free life also.

But, I take Paxil too.

My family deserves me at my best. Even if that best is a larger size than I wish to be.

This is such an excellent post. It needs to be seen by many many people that I know! You write so well about your life.
So Tara, if you haven't noticed by the ranting in my blog, I am at a low point and really small things can just about send me over the edged. So I spend my quiet time (ie midnight) reading about others' lives-- and happened upon this blog. How long does post partum last? I had a snotty lady once ask me, "so have you always suffered Post Partum?" when I stood up to her for trying to manipulate me, but now I think she may have been on to something (I'll NEVER tell her that!)
Anyway, with the holidays, absent husband, demanding 14 month old and others, I'm thinking some meds might be a good idea. And I TOTALLY agree on your Satan theory. Thanks for blogging this (and others) :-)

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