Still sane

I am thrilled to say that my migraine has finally dissipated. What a relief. And I have gone back on my post-partum depression antidepressants and I am starting to feel so much better. It's like slowly emerging from a dark tunnel. Of course at the end of my particular dark tunnel is an extremely messy house and a huge pile of laundry. But that is ok. I am just so relieved to be free of that migraine that I don't mind the thought of spending the day cleaning.

I have recently been asked "how are you feeling?" and awful lot. I have found it very difficult to describe how I feel when I am depressed (and not lie that is). It seems that unless you have experienced it yourself it is very hard to understand. And really, no one wants to hear me continually moan and groan about how depressed I am. I have spent years trying to explain it to my mom- who loves me and really does want to understand, but has never experienced it so she really can't. Same with my husband. But I have also found many people who do understand. My aunt being one of them. Whenever I just really need someone to understand I can call her because she has experienced depression.

Anyway it has been a bit of an up and down road lately. I start to feel like I am doing pretty well and then I suddenly crash. This past week I started to feel all panicky when my husband would leave to go to work. And I was having the most dreadful nightmares. But I have been back on the medication for about 4 days now and I think it may be starting to help. I have also been encouraged by some friends of mine from church to remember that Satan wants to keep me depressed and not to give him the power to do that. Jesus is bigger than Satan. I have Jesus. Therefore Satan loses.

I didn't really grow up in the church and I must admit that the whole spiritual warfare thing always sounds just a bit on the crazy side for me. But I am learning. And I know it is true. I know that there really is Satan and I know he and his cronies really are at work trying to screw up our lives. It just always feels slightly awkward for me... like I am talking to the boogey man or the imaginary monster in my closet. Now don't get me wrong... I really do believe it. I'm just saying it feels strange.

We had some unexpected visitors drop by this morning and I was reminded, once again, that often people expect me (as the pastor's wife) not to have any close friends. Some people don't think it is right for me to have close friends since that would be showing favouritism and I should treat all our congregates equally. Some people think that it is unwise to have friends since they will undoubtedly stab you in the back. Some people think it is ok to have friends, you just can't tell them how you are really feeling or confide in them in any way since they will definitely tell the entire congregation. I am certain this does happen. It has happened to me. But I am also certain that God wants me to have friends. Close friends. Dear friends that I can be myself with and confide in. And so I will again be thankful for the special friends God has placed in my life here in Tisdale. I really would go crazy without them.


Just Me said…
Hey Tara.....I'm glad to hear you're feelig a bit better. I used to have migraines - cluster migraines - just drove me insane! So...I can feel your pain. Wanted to comment on 'whoever' tells you that you shouldn't have close friends - hogwash!! Rubbish! ( I'd use stronger words..but you get my drift!)whoever says that is just being another 'tool' in the hand of the enemy, to keep your depressed! It also propagates that stupid mentally that the 'clergy' is seperate and above every one else - again..hogwash! Keep making friends sweetheart! They are God's gifts to you! Also..I know how you feel about spiritual warfare - used to feel the same way. A really good book to read, that will give you a neat picture of it is: Frank Peretti's ' This Present Darkness' - if you like Ted Dekker - you'll love this!

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